A number of years ago I attended a conference on how to bring diversity to college campuses. In one workshop I was part of a small group where the exercise was to discuss the frustrations each one of us was experiencing on our campuses as diversity officers.

When comparing notes it was clear that many of us had the same issues. However about 75% of the participants in my group were angry about their situation. I’m not talking about a little annoyed, but downright hostile. What it boiled down to is they went into their integration efforts with enthusiasm, but in the midst of experiencing difficulties they now felt betrayed. It really was an ugly sharing time.

It wasn’t too unfamiliar to me. I can’t tell you how many situations I have been in where everybody went in with good intentions in trying to integrate a situation, the whole project went sideways, and people ended up bitter towards each other. To prevent such situations I think it would be good to take a look at a theory developed by Dr. Larry Crabb to help us lead better.

He stresses mastering the art of differentiating between goals and desires. He defines a goal as an outcome that requires only my cooperation to achieve and a desire is an outcome that requires the cooperation of another person to be achieved.  For example a goal is to exercise for 30 minutes 3 times a week.  A desire is for my spouse to exercise with me for 30 minutes 3 times a week.

Crabb’s theory is that anger and bitterness seep in when we make our desires illegitimate goals. If I make my spouse exercising with me a goal, if she chooses not to do so I may get angry at her because she is blocking my goal. This is not fair to her because my desire has now become a demand for her to follow.

Additionally I have set myself up for continual frustration because I cannot control whether she exercises or not. This is helpful to remember both in setting personal life goals or general organizational goals. But this is a golden rule that must be followed when leading towards diversity within your situation. We must set diversity goals that are really goals, not desires that masquerade as illegitimate goals.

We hold ourselves accountable to our goals and work towards and pray for our desires. For instance an elder board may give their pastor a goal of 50% of their congregation be non-white in 5 years. That is an illegitimate goal because it is a desire. A legitimate goal would be for the pastor to plan and execute an outreach program in a non-white community each year.

Ethnic integration of a ministry, campus, or non-profit is a complex process with many opportunities for misunderstandings. When (not if) strategies and plans fail the first thing that must be determined is were we shooting for a goal or desire?

One time while presenting diversity goals to the EFCA Board of Directors I received a ton of pushback. Essentially many of them were saying I was setting the bar too low. They then threw out suggestions they felt like I should be shooting for.

I had to explain to them what they were asking for was desires, not goals. I encouraged them to pray for those lofty expectations they wanted achieved, but to realize those were desires that only God could do. I informed them the entire set of “low bar” things I was pursuing (i.e. goals) would have to be achieved prior to their desires for the EFCA would come to pass.

Want to keep anger and bitterness from developing while pursuing diversity efforts?  Learn the art of clarifying reconciliation goals from desires.